Index
title: "Safety Protocols" created: 2026-04-06T00:00:00.000Z modified: 2026-04-06T18:10:00.000Z tags: [research, safety, ministry, compliance] order: 2
Safety Protocols
"We're pranksters, not monsters. Everything gets tested. Everything gets approved. Then we sell it."
This is our Ministry of Magic compliance handbook. George wrote it. Fred signed it. The Ministry auditor cried a single tear of relief when she saw we actually had one.
Every product that leaves this shop has been through our testing pipeline. No exceptions. Not even for products Fred describes as "obviously fine."
Ministry Classification System
| Class | Description | Examples | Approval Time |
|---|---|---|---|
| Class A | Decorative Enchantment — visual/sensory effects only | Moonbeam Meltdrops, Patronus Pop Rocks | 2-4 weeks |
| Class B | Temporary Transfiguration — physical changes, fully reversible | Canary Cream Supremes, Nosebleed Nougat | 4-8 weeks |
| Class C | Environmental Enchantment — affects surroundings | Portable Swamp Taffy, Peruvian Darkness Powder | 8-16 weeks |
| Class D | Persistent Effect — lasts more than 24 hours | None currently (and we intend to keep it that way) | 6+ months |
Testing Requirements
| Phase | Name | Requirements | Duration | Who |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Phase 1 | Lab Testing | Controlled environment, measured effects, documented results | 2 weeks minimum | George + R&D |
| Phase 2 | Volunteer Testing | Must be over 17. Informed consent. Healer on standby. Min. 10 volunteers. | 2-4 weeks | George (Fred banned from recruiting) |
| Phase 3 | Limited Release | 50-100 units sold with feedback forms. Incident reporting mandatory. | 4 weeks | Verity + Sales team |
| Phase 4 | Full Release | All feedback reviewed. Ministry sign-off received. Launch approved. | Ongoing monitoring | All |
Phase 2 Rules (The Important Ones)
- All volunteers must be 17 or older. No exceptions. Fred once tried to argue that "mature for their age" counted. It does not.
- Informed consent means INFORMED. The volunteer must know exactly what the product does, including known side effects, before testing.
- Healer on standby. We have a retainer agreement with St. Mungo's outpatient clinic. It costs 5 Galleons per testing day. Worth every Knut.
- Documentation is mandatory. Every test gets a log entry in prank-experiments.csv. No result is too boring to record.
- Fred is not allowed to recruit volunteers. He once recruited a volunteer by saying "want to see something brilliant?" This is not informed consent.
Incident Response
If something goes wrong during testing or after sale:
- Contain — isolate the affected individual, stabilize the effect
- Document — full incident report within 1 hour
- Notify — George immediately, Ministry within 24 hours for Class B+
- Remedy — provide counter-charm, refund, and St. Mungo's referral if needed
- Review — post-incident review within 48 hours, product hold until cleared
Current Compliance Status
| Product | Class | Phase | Status |
|---|---|---|---|
| Moonbeam Meltdrops | A | 4 (Complete) | APPROVED |
| Patronus Pop Rocks | A | 3 (In Progress) | Pending final review |
| Canary Cream Supremes | B | 3 (In Progress) | 2 more weeks of trials |
| [[Portable Swamp Taffy]] | C | 1 (Lab) | Not ready for Phase 2 |
See [[Research]] for experiment data and R&D updates.